Pregnancy ought to be a blessing and diverse societies celebrate the occasion differently. Some men outrightly reject their women’s pregnancy.
This dream comes true for a legitimate bond and supporting couples. Pregnancy was meant to be beautiful for Shirleen Mukami, 20, a single mother, until the man she loved denied her pregnancy.
Denying pregnancy
“Someday you’re going to look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
According to Mandisa Muruge, a counseling social worker at Family Life Centre (Famsa Joburg), there are various reasons that will make a father deny paternity.
“In most cases, fathers who deny their children have trust issues or are simply running away from their responsibilities.
Others might not be ready to be a parent and thus feel that the woman is trapping them with a baby, and the only way out for him is if he denies paternity.
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Others deny paternity “because they are already in committed relationships with other people” while teenage fathers often deny their children because they fear telling their families.
As the mother of a 5-months old infant narrates her tribulations, nothing is to celebrate apart from unbearable heartbreaks and rejection. This is the painful story of Shirleen Mukami.
Abortion wasn’t an option
“My entire pregnancy was a journey of unforgettable pain, sorrow and regrets. I had thought otherwise about keeping this baby but eventually, I decided to keep it and raise him.
I shared the news of my pregnancy with the man I was in love with. The man I knew was responsible.
I had already anticipated his reaction and had told my girls that he would deny responsibility.
And he did. I was not surprised. But what hurt me most is that I didn’t even tell him about it to try and ‘trap’ him into raising the baby with me. I had decided I would still keep it.
After endless days of trying to reason with him, I gave up and decided to focus on me and the human being growing in me.
It hurt that he would deny something so obvious. And then when he now decided that we terminate it, I felt even stupider. Still, I soldiered on with my pregnancy.
Dropped out of college
Suddenly, my whole world collapsed around me. I dropped out of college, strained my relationship with my parents, lost friends, lost my social life, lost the man I loved, lost it all.
I wasn’t prepared for the emotional strain a pregnancy can impact on a woman. My life went black.
The months that followed were pure hell. I never felt so alone. I regretted everything. Regretted meeting that man. Regretted loving him.
Regretted the baby I was carrying. I was so mad at so many things. I didn’t feel proud of myself. And didn’t look forward to meeting my baby.
In the past, I had seen pregnant women ‘glowing’. I had seen society celebrating pregnant women. But my case was different. No one seemed to care about me. I didn’t feel the love. I didn’t glow. I didn’t see the world applaud me. I felt a numbness that no woman deserves to feel.
The months went by and my mental health got worse. A lot ran through my mind. No amount of tears could heal the brokenness I was undergoing. I dreamed of a baby shower. I even hoped for a baby bump photo shoot. I got none of that. It drained me. It ate up my soul and tore me.
Finally, the baby came
I didn’t even bother with the normal clinic trips. I skipped them all. I honestly didn’t care anyway. Somehow, I managed to figure out my due date. And looked forward to it with both fear and anxiety.
Tired, angry and torn, I gave birth to a boy after 12 intense hours of labor.
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I didn’t have a phone then. And didn’t even bother telling anyone I have given birth. Mom was with me anyway and that’s all that mattered.
Luckily, it was a normal delivery and I knew I would soon feel physically better. I looked at my son and thought, ‘ You have no damn idea boy’
And now, the actual stress kicked even harder. I thought I was going crazy. I looked terrible and felt even worse. I didn’t feel pretty anymore. I felt used and dumped. A lot crossed my mind. I would breastfeed while crying. This was just terrible. A mother shouldn’t feel this bad
Young moms on her shoes
I thought of all the young moms like me. In their early twenties. With no jobs, absent baby daddies, unsupportive families, little friends and no cash.
I couldn’t imagine how many we are. And wished our salaried ‘men’ knew what it meant to run away from their young pregnant lover.
I’ve painstakingly raised this boy alone. With zero cash and endless prayers. He’s only five months and I’m losing my mind. I can’t imagine how tough the following months and years can be. My idleness disturbed my mind and I needed to occupy myself. And then I called up a friend.
Together, we decided to do something to occupy our minds and spread our love and support to young mothers like us.
Read more: Marriage: Dealing with reduced libido after getting the first child
My friend’s baby is five months too. We called a few other friends. Shared our story. Reached out to relatives and launched the ‘Baby Shower Sisters’.
Support group
This is basically a support group where I and three more young mothers visit other young mothers like us. Mothers whose baby daddies disappeared. Mothers who didn’t experience the love of pregnancy.
Mothers who didn’t experience a baby shower. Broken mothers just like us.
We’ve visited five mothers so far. Some as young as 19. We carry along with us some stuff – diapers, wipes, Vaseline, baby potty, tissue, earbuds and a lot of love.
We sit and talk and share. Exchange contacts. And it has been the healing I have been looking for. Very therapeutic.
Healing process
Recovering from the rejection and trauma of first-time pregnancy isn’t a walk in the park. Life must continue and, as they say, time heals.
According to GoodTherapy that provides therapy, counseling and mental health resources, seven steps can quicken the healing process:
- Allowing yourself to feel the pain.
- Accept the rejection, sadness, depression and pain stages of your life
- Imagine yourself diving into the emotional wave. Let it come, observe it, and allow it to wash over you. Let it go.
- Reach out to others anyway. Allow people to be there for you. Let them listen.
- Don’t blame yourself for the break-up, it may not be your fault.
- Take good care of yourself including praying, eating well and surrounding yourself with loved ones.
- Ultimately, seek professional help. Find a therapist for help.
