“Why didn’t he respond to my calls and messages?”, Why doesn’t he get time for me? Why is he always on phone? I knew this would happen one day” These are catalytic questions that obsess those in insecure relationships.
Sometimes back I met a friend who happened to be a victim of an insecure and obsessive relationship.
“There will always be someone willing to hurt you, put you down, gossip about you, belittle your accomplishments and judge your soul. It is a fact that we all must face. However, if you realize that God is a best friend that stands beside you when others cast stones you will never be afraid, never feel worthless and never feel alone”, Shannon L. Alder, an inspirational author.
After the usual pleasantries, the focus of our discussion drifted to endless issues of relationships.
His emotional suffering was vivid based on the choice of words chosen as he narrated his ordeal. Just like how respect is two-way traffic, love is sweeter when the right dosage is taken. Ahmed* not his real name, a Garissa resident, is like any other youth, determined to get his ‘better half’.
In sharing life, trust is a significant part of reducing insecurity. “I loved the girl and she meant everything to me”, he says with a low tone of regret.
“We communicated on a daily basis and updated ourselves on our life events that were important to use”, he pauses pondering deeply on the incident that changed his life for good.
One of the fine days, he traveled to the city and as usual informed her of the journey. He was to be away for a week and later return. As they say, a mistake becomes a mistake when it is repeated.
Less than a week, he came back home without informing her. In most cases, women are the first to report incidents of social matters. A friend of the girl unconditionally reported the update of his unannounced arrival.
She instantly confirmed the report of the boyfriend’s arrival from the city. If you ever felt jealousy, you can understand how she was writhing with pain; a bleeding heart for that matter.
“She phoned and asked where I was, I told how I arrived few minutes ago but who will ever listen to my side of the story? She hung up and the days that followed weren’t normal for us”.
Two days hardly passed when the worst shocking moment of his life took place in their home.
“It was a dark night, with loss of electricity; I heard a knock coming from the main door. The rest of the family members were inside cursing the power lighting authority for the darkness and praying for light. I couldn’t see properly since the darkness overtook every visible light”, he states amid a thoughtful confusion.
As he opened the door, he was attacked with a knife and stabbed just above the thigh below the testis. Shocked and in great pain, with all his voice he screamed, drenched with blood on his entire leg. His mother was the first aid. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Her son almost got killed.
He was immediately taken to hospital for treatment. For the following one month, Ahmed resided in the medical institution. The perpetrator remained a hard nut to crack. As usual, she visits him on numerous occasions and kept asking this question.
“If you come across the one who did this to you, what will you do? What will you have done if I happen to be the person did this to you? He found it funny and strange at the same time. After all, who could ever think of being stabbed by their lovely girlfriends? Not me.
As they say, a thief’s day is numbered. One day she let the cat out of the bag. No one was left except everybody received the shock of their lives!
“I couldn’t imagine how my girlfriend whom I loved most stabbed and almost killed me; here she is narrating how jealousy made her the evil guest. My mind was pre-occupied with more questions than answers. I forgave her but couldn’t forget the pain she put me through”, he adds, revealing the visible part of the scar on his thigh. “We finally separated”.
From the background information on this particular sad story, many people are suffering from the misfortune of insecure relationships hardened by jealousy and lack of trust.
“I met a beautiful girl, dreamed to have her in my life but little did I know the curtain behind her fine-looking physiology”, narrates Hudayid.
“At the beginning, we had perfect moments but suddenly, the tables turned on us. My supposed queen embarked on questioning my activities, judging my movements and investigating my communication gadgets. We have friends and relatives, according to her my contact should be limited to her only”.
The pain of love got a hold of him and after a few months, he couldn’t tolerate the new behaviour. “After restless days and nights, I decided to end the relationship without much consideration”.
Elizabeth Irungu, a Journalist, and Social Media Influencer, adds that obsession could eventually morph into an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and believes the saying “my better half” doesn’t exist in reality.
“Obsession of any kind, whether behavior or in relations is bound to raise concerns of a persons well-being and if not corrected could morph into full blown O.C.D. So, in essence, you don’t really love the person just the idea of being with them”.
The idea of ‘owning’ the person, according to Elizabeth, is detrimental to the concerned parties.
“This is harmful to both parties and before dating one should fully know themselves and not seek to be ‘completed’ by a significant other. This whole talk of ‘my better half’ is utter hogwash and nonsense to me. You should be ‘full’, not ‘half’ before you set yourself out there in the dating game of meeting people”, she sums up her view.
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Commonly, less communication pattern, broken trust and previous poor relationship foundation, especially parents contribute to obsession among couples. The ultimate result? Short of trust, faith, self-esteem, confidence and diminished personal well-being. Take a deep breath; the problem may not be as you envisage. Be concerned about the good things in the relationship, keep in mind thoughts affect the quality of your connection. It is important to note that addressing any underlying problem is the foolproof way of solving the challenges linked to obsession.